Cellulite

I got a nudge recently to post on this blog again, and ever since I have been trying to figure out why it is that I stopped.  Busy?  Sure.  Always.  But I think it's because I am not a natural advice-giver and I sure don't have everything figured out.  So maybe I feel slightly uncomfortable coming off like I do.  I usually only give advice to people I am really close to or those who ask for it.  But then I often end with, "But I don't really know..." or "that's just what I think" because everyone has their own set of trials and circumstances.  So I hope you will take that disclaimer into account as I settle in and go forward with this blog.  I make no promises of frequency, but I do think I want to be in this for the long haul.  I just re-read my previous posts and regained the passion for the subject matter.

So this is a post I had in my head to do at the beginning of the summer, but never got around to.


I have cellulite on my thighs.  I have never been a fan of the cellulite on my thighs.  I have always been jealous of the women who have thin, non-cellulite thighs.  I have done my best to shield the world of the cellulite on my thighs.  This means that for years I wore shorts with all of my bathing suits.  I thought that the cute long tankinis with shorts were my answer when they came out...the coverage of a one piece that looks cute with shorts!  I remember the devastation that came in the dressing room when I tried one on because I had been so excited about it.  Sadly, those shorts did not cover the (say it with me) cellulite on my thighs.  So I was always on the hunt for a one-piece bathing suit that would match whatever long-enough board shorts I could find.

Note, however, that I used the words WORE and WAS in the above paragraph.  Meaning, the cellulite on my thighs coverage is past-tense.  I'll explain why.

I think bodies are pretty rad.  They do AMAZING things for us every day.  My body has healed itself of sickness, carried 3 children to term, is currently nurturing and growing another human as I type this, been through a miscarriage, put up with the strain of a marathon and other races without giving out on me, allows me to experience and appreciate nature, go hiking, taste wonderful food, kiss and snuggle my husband and children daily, exercise, kneel to pray, clean my home... And yet, as I talked about in my mirror post, I have a hard time not focusing on the negative when I look at my body.

In the past 4 years I have run my booty off and have come to the realization that the cellulite is with me for the long haul.  But last year I was thinking about how great my body really was and how healthy I felt and thought, 'Forget it! I am not covering up my thighs anymore.  My body is what it is and I think it's pretty amazing.  So I have cellulite?  So I've got some curvy legs and my thighs will never NOT touch?'  I just felt the need to celebrate my body by not wearing shorts with my swimsuits anymore.  Make sense?  No?  Well, it was a very liberating moment for me and the thoughts I had totally correlated with this decision in my mind.

The first time I went to the pool after making this decision, I was having hot flashes because I was freaked out about not having the safety of the shorts.  My heart was beating really fast.  I was about to ditch a 12-year or more safety net.  I was with my hubby and kids.  I'd told the hubs that I was going swimming sans shorts and he assured me of his love for my body and that I didn't need them.  I think I may have packed a pair just in case it was too hard for me.  But I did it.  And it was important for me.  I don't really care what anyone was or was not thinking, this was just for me.  I wanted to tell my body THANK YOU and I love everything about you.

I think we need to spend a LOT less time focusing on what we want to change about how we look.  I know there are many of you who are already fabulous at this, but I also know there are so many who struggle.  Sure, exercise and healthy habits are good and important.  But it's not about how we look in a bathing suit or the numbers on a scale...it's about how we FEEL.  It's about being comfortable in our skin.  It's about focusing on how incredible these bodies are that we've been given.  I think it's about celebrating all shapes and sizes. And, yes, even cellulite. I love the Dove Beauty Campaign.  If you haven't seen this Dove Evolution video, you should watch it.  Or if you have seen it, you should watch it again.  It's no secret that our culture celebrates mythical beauty and thinness (is that a word? it didn't spell check on me, so I guess it is)...mythical because so much of what we see is airbrushed or made over.  Let's change our own minds and in turn maybe we can change our culture.  Heaven knows I want it to be different for my 3-year-old daughter than it has been for me.  I love her not-so-little belly now and I'll love it just as much if she still has it in 12 years.  She's so beautiful and perfect to me and I want her to feel that about herself always.

Maybe you don't want, or need, to bag the shorts when you go swimming, but find some way to celebrate the miracle and beauty that is YOUR body!  Because it IS beautiful and miraculous.  It is enough.

Blooming

Okay, I apologize that all of my posts seem to have something to do with running or races. I am a mom to three little ones ages 4 (almost 5!) and under. I have little time aside from the times that I run to ponder and think deep thoughts. With that said....

My run last week reminded me of a run I had last year at this time. Flowers and trees are at various stages of blooming right now; some trees are filled with pink and white blossoms while others are still bare. Last year in late March/early April I was just starting to run again after giving birth at the end of January. I was very out of shape and each run was a struggle. This particular day I was nearly in tears and frustrated; frustrated with the hills, frustrated with my jiggly body, frustrated with the struggle, frustrated that I had foolishly signed myself up for races so soon after having a baby so that I HAD to run....frustrated. There was probably some postpartum depression/baby blues going on as well.

I was running up a big hill and tears were stinging the corners of my eyes when I saw a beautiful bush with purple blooms. I looked at the bush and thought, "Why can't I be like that right now?!" Why can't I be back in the shape I once was, with my body less jiggly, my hormones under control...my full self at my very best. I looked at some bushes close by that had buds ready to burst. I then expanded my view, taking in all of the landscape around me. I live in the Evergreen State, so there were majestic trees that had kept their green splendor year-round. There were other trees that had nothing on them yet, but I knew that within a few short weeks they would be filled with new leaves or blossoms; even without their leaves, they still added to the beauty. I found solace in this scene of nature around me. I felt more comfortable with my stage of "blooming" and knew that I needed to love the stage I was in and be patient with myself.

We are like the beauty that surrounds us on earth. We have our seasons, our peaks and valleys, and are at various stages of blooming. Sometimes I feel like the bare tree and know that I need to both be patient and do some work to fill my branches. Sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of being great, much like the lilac tree I can see out my front window as I type this; in a few weeks it will be filled with fragrant purple blossoms. Do you ever feel that way? Like there is greatness and goodness inside of you just waiting for its time or opportunity? Sometimes I feel like the gorgeous cherry trees I see all over town with beautiful blossoms. And every now and again I go through a stage where I feel like the constant evergreen tree.

Whatever your stage, whatever your state of blooming...love yourself. You add to the beauty of life's landscape. Every season has its beauty.

Looking Outside of Ourselves

Last Wednesday I decided to pack my two younger kids into the jogging stroller while my oldest was at our co-op preschool. I haven't really used this stroller since my third babe was born since it's a two-seater and we are over capacity. I started out my run and was immediately dying! A heavy stroller plus two chubba toddlers=pain for the momma. I've mentioned that my run starts with tons of hills...yeah, it's rough. But I got to the flatter part of the run and because of how hard the beginning was I suddenly felt so much stronger. It made me think about some of my first races. I was always training with the jogging stroller in those days. When the time came for my first race and I didn't have the stroller to push, I felt so good! My run seemed like a total breeze.

All of this got me thinking about trials. I am of the belief that when we are in the midst of trials, the very best thing we can do for ourselves is to find someone else to focus on/carry/push. But it's sometimes so hard to do, right? We get so caught up in how hard things are for us and forget to look around. BUT if we do then we will find that our own trial seems so much easier. Not that their trial is necessarily more difficult than ours, but that the act of looking outside of ourselves can somehow miraculously lighten our own load.

Here's a little personal story about that:

When I was 19 years old and in college, I was in a leadership position for my church. The college that I went to was Ricks College in Rexburg, ID. It was awesome, but that's beside the point. It was also super cold and snowy and dreary come February, which is exactly the point of this story. I was told when I was called to this position that the ladies in my care would suddenly be having a lot of problems come February; mostly because of the dreary weather, but that they would feel very sincerely distraught. I was told to just be aware of that and to help them put their problems in perspective. Well, come February I felt like the door to my shared bedroom was a revolving door of issues. Poor women, all struggling with something different. I wanted so much to help them and would think about what I could say or do to pull them out of their depression. Then I remembered the February warning and realized that what everyone (myself included) needed was to SERVE. So we planned activities around this idea and got several of the ladies involved in adopting a grandparent at the local nursing center. I immediately noticed a difference. I gave that advice individually to some of those who were really struggling - find someone to serve. I no longer had knocks or notes on my door constantly...just a trickle. I shouldn't have been surprised by the dramatic difference, but I was.

I wish that I remembered to do this more often; sometimes it takes me a while. Sometimes I spend several weeks in Poor Me Land before I pull my head out and decide to reach out. There is something miraculous about service. It gives you enough of a boost to pull you out of sadness. I really believe in the power of service!

If you feel so inclined, share a time when service has worked to help you through a tough time.

Offense

So I have this really weird habit - I try to make my husband apologize if he is mean to me in my dreams. Do you ever have those kinds of dreams that are so real that you wake up feeling all of the emotions you were feeling in the dream? I do. And if those emotions are hurt or anger caused by the Hubs wanting to marry someone else or ignoring me when I am trying to pour my heart out, then I will call him at work and tell him how horrible he was in my dream the previous night. And then I am silent, waiting for the apology I totally feel like I deserve. And he is silent, then aghast, that I really want him to apologize for something he didn't do. It's become a big joke between us, but that doesn't mean that I don't still make those phone calls. I'm a real piece of work, I know.

Sometimes we take offense that is really imagined because we jump to conclusions or take a position without having all of the information. Have you ever done this? Heard one little comment or bit of information and become frustrated, irate, hurt, offended? Please tell me I'm not the only one.

This has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been the one to unknowingly cause offense and realized that I recently have felt hurt by something without having all of the information. I want to be better about that. I think that having enough information is the key! There are few people in the world who intend to hurt others, so if we start down the road of hurt and offense, why not take the time to see if that road really needs to be traveled? Get more information, ask some questions, and make your choice. Because it is a choice. Most of the time (all of the time?), I think, that road could be totally bypassed if we had more information. Let's travel the road of love and understanding instead.

*I would like to note that my husband is the opposite of that man who occasionally haunts my dreams - I guess that's why it is so distressing. In real life he is kind, faithful, and a good listener. :)

Corralled

Pardon my absence. I wasn't feeling inspired or inspiring and I don't want to post just to post. So today I'll do a combination post/forum question.

Last summer I ran in the Rock n' Roll Seattle half marathon. It was the biggest race I had ever been a part of - 30,000+ people! When I signed up I had to give my estimated pace/finish time so that they could put me into a specific corral. I was about 5 months post-baby and hadn't trained much, but decided to write down the time I'd done in my first half, just to push myself. Well, race morning was crazy. I had to walk/jog about two miles to get to the start line and then stood in an eternal line of people for the Honey Bucket (that's NW speak for port-a-potty). I saw the sea of runners moving as I stood in that line and thought, "Oh well, I'll miss my corral. It probably doesn't matter much anyway."

Well, I finished my business, ran to the start line, and saw that my corral would be the next group through...I'd made it after all! I climbed a little gate while a man yelled at me because I wasn't supposed to do that and grouped myself with my people - the people who said that they could finish a half in 2 hours and 10 minutes. Turns out my decision to be ambitious about my time was mostly a good one; I ran much faster than I would have because the people around me were running at a good pace. So even though I was struggling a bit, I kept running because slowing down would slow others down to get around me (the course was packed).

Then we got to the last mile and I was done. That's a problem when you still have a mile left. Darn me for not training more! I was so frustrated. I just couldn't get a good, sustainable pace. And when I stopped my legs would severely cramp. Stopping was no good, running was no good. It was rough. But no matter how fast or slow, I was still surrounded by people who were inspiring me to give a little more. I also saw others who were struggling like me. I said to a few runners, "Oh my gosh, when is this thing going to be over?!" "WHERE is the freaking finish line?!" I wanted someone to commiserate with; misery loves company. It felt like that last mile was really 2 or 3, but then I heard the crowd of people at the finish line which gave me the boost I needed. I was in tears and in pain. But finish I did...7 minutes behind my projected time, mostly because of that final, excruciating mile.

We are never really alone in life. We are surrounded by millions of people who are moving in the same direction...to the ultimate finish line. I think it is so important who we surround ourselves with. I think it's important to have friends and acquaintances who inspire us to be our best. I think it's important to take our eyes off of the finish sometimes and see who might be struggling so that we can help. I think it's important to set our sights high, to put ourselves in an ambitious corral, because often we can do more than we think. However, if I had put myself in a corral with people projected to finish an hour faster than I thought I could, I would have been discouraged and depressed the entire race. So we should also know our limitations in certain areas and be comfortable with them. I think it's important to be proud of your efforts even when you fall short; it took me several weeks to be okay that I finished so much slower than I'd wanted to...I wish that I hadn't wasted that time. My best is good enough, and my best is different in different times and different situations.

Fab Forum Friday Question:

What have you learned from times in your life when you've been placed in, or chosen to be in, an ambitious "corral"?

Balance: Trials

Everything is about balance, isn't it? And that's tricky because if you take your focus away from maintaining it - even for a moment - it's easy to lose.

There's a balance between always looking on the bright side of life and getting completely mired in self-pity. I'm not so good at finding balance in this area; I'm a bit of an emotion stuffer because I always think of others who have it harder. It could be worse, right? While that is true for many, it doesn't mean that we don't - each and every one of us - struggle.

4 years ago last month I had a miscarriage. I wasn't very far along and we hadn't planned on getting pregnant just yet, but the miscarriage was still devastating to me. I didn't like talking about it too much, but when I did I had several people say, "How far along were you? Oh, it's good you weren't farther along. You'll get pregnant again soon." The topic would quickly change and I felt like I was being dismissed. And I knew people who had lost babies farther along in pregnancy, had stillbirths, lost children, so I didn't feel like I had a right to grieve. My loss was not as great. I found myself saying, "We weren't quite ready for another baby" (our first was just 9 months old) and "It's okay, we'll be trying for another baby soon." I stuffed my feelings down every time they tried to surface.

Fast-forward a few months. Tyler and I got into an argument one night; I was not being reasonable and I think I was picking a fight. I had been on edge for a little while and couldn't put my finger on it. Our "discussion" was going in circles and I knew I just needed to take a breather. It was late and so I went in and laid on the bed in our guest bedroom. I prayed because that's what I do. I realized quickly that I had been stuffing my emotions about the miscarriage for too long, but there they'd sat, just under the surface, waiting to be addressed. And now was the time. Suddenly, I was sobbing like I had never sobbed before and all of my feelings of grief were pouring out of me. I finally knew that I had a right to them and that I needed to own them in order to move forward. I let it flow...and flow it did. For a long time. It was the closure that I needed.

We should not compare our trials to anyone else's - either to say that we have it worse or that we have it easy. At least not at first. Should we ever? Own your trial. Understand your trial. Say that your trial is hard and look for help from others if you need to. Accept and learn from your trial. Conquer that thing!

I've learned that even though I live around NAVY wives whose husbands are out to sea for months at a time, I still have a right to say that it stinks that my kids don't see their dad 2 days a week because he works and is going to school. It's hard for me...for us. But at the same time, it has deepened my respect for NAVY families and their sacrifices.

A balancing act, to be sure. Sometimes I put my foot down on the wallowing side for too long and sometimes I drop down into the optimistic side where I don't let myself really feel. Own my feelings, but don't get mired in them. I'm not always good at it. Maybe I'm never really good at it? But I'm trying.

Good Enough to Do Good

We are good enough to do good in the world NOW! We don't have to wait to be the best at something, have enough money, or possess some wonderful talent to reach out and help others.

I've mentioned that I've done a few triathlons (swim-bike-run). In one of my posts I eluded to a person being one of the very last out of the water during a tri; that was me, in case you didn't catch that. I don't really know how to swim. Sure, I can stay afloat and move my body through the water, but it's not with any grace, that's fo' sho'. I don't know any real strokes. But, sure, sign me up for a triathlon in open water with hundreds of other swimmers splashing around me! It's scary and I am s-l-o-w. The bike portion isn't all that awesome either. AND I'm not a very fast runner. But slow and steady wins....errr *ahem* scratch that...finishes the race in a sweaty heap. But the point is that I finished, darn it!

I have a story to share from one of my triathlons. This is taken from my personal blog right after it happened:

I was coming to the last portion of the race and way ahead I saw this guy walking. My first thought was, "Good. Someone to pass." I'm kind of competitive but not super fast, so when I see that I can pass someone, that gives me a little adrenaline kick and some sort of thrill. I know, not very nice. There was another group of girls that were running slower and I had just passed them. We were coming into the home stretch. I was coming up on this guy who I had seen walking for quite some time and just as I passed him I touched his arm and said, "Run!" I don't know what surprised me more - that I said it or that he actually responded. He immediately started running alongside me. As we were running I said, "You push me and I'll push you." He sounded desperate and on the verge of tears and said, "I'm trying!" "You're doing great! Just keep going," I said. I have to tell you that I felt electrified from my head to my toes. Literally. It was physical. I felt so proud of this man I did not know. I was pulling for him and suddenly didn't care about my own race anymore. I wanted him to feel great about his finish. I was on the verge of tears myself, but for a different reason. The end of a race always feels emotional to me and this was adding a different element to that emotion. He gasped, "How much longer?!" I told him that we were almost there, it couldn't be more than .2 miles. Suddenly we came around a corner and there was the finish line, lined with people cheering. I said, "Come on!" and we kicked it up and ran our hearts out to the finish. I heard his wife or some lady cheering for him as we were reaching the finish line.He and I didn't talk afterward (like either of us could talk at that point), but it was a really cool experience for me. All I could think about for the rest of the day was how good it felt to help someone else to the finish line. It was a different kind of feeling at the finish than I've ever had before. I'm tearing up just typing this out and thinking about it.

I was not the best triathlete, but I think I made a tiny difference in how this man felt about how he finished. And it was my best experience yet. Taking the focus off of my finish time made it so much more enjoyable! In subsequent races I have been the one lifted by a word of encouragement from a fellow runner at the time I most needed it. Sometimes we do the lifting and sometimes we are the ones who need the lift. That's true of all service, isn't it?

Focusing on others can make a world of difference in how we feel about our particular "race". So I encourage you to just ACT. If you have the thought to do something for someone, just do it. You may not know how it will affect their life, but it will affect you for the better. Guaranteed. Don't wait to have more or to be more, you are ENOUGH to make a difference now.